This started as a themed Power Ranking for my fantasy football league, but quickly devolved into a best-to-worst ranking of twelve random Thanksgiving-related items. Enjoy.
1. Stuffing
Now I know stuffing won’t be at the top of lot of people’s Thanksgiving lists, but in my opinion, Stuffing doesn’t get enough credit. For most of the delicious, delicious meats we eat on a regular basis, the fantastically flavorful juices go completely to waste. Bacon? Down the drain. Ribs? Right onto the charcoal. Steak? At best you’ve got some kind of au jus thing going on. But for Turkey, we say fuck that shit, I’m going to cram this thing’s body cavity full of bread crumbs and vegetables so it soaks up every delicious ounce of blood and grease that comes out of the bird. And if there’s anything left over? Make that shit into gravy.
2. Turkey
Turkey is an obvious choice, but it gets near-top billing since it’s pretty much the quarterback of Thanksgiving (I like to think of the sides as the Defense). If your Turkey is dried out and terrible, it doesn’t matter how good the sides are, it’s tough to win a game if you’ve only got 65 yards of passing. At the same time, even if the Defense sucks, how many times have we seen an all star QB win despite giving up 30 points?
3. Four-day weekend
Four day weekend is totally sweet, not much else to say. Would put it significantly higher, but there’s just too much going on this weekend between the various family commitments to truly enjoy the extended time off. If you’re some kind of Asian or European immigrant, this is probably closer to #1. You still get the days off, but on the way out of work you say, “So long fuckers, I’m going to Vegas.” Plus that’s like a double-shot of awesome, since I’ve heard the Thanksgiving buffet at the Crazy Horse II is superb.
4. Leftovers
Leftovers are only coming in at #4, though in my mind, it might be pushing all the way to the number two spot. Whether you go with hot turkey and gravy on white bread, cold turkey with lettuce and cheese on a roll, or the whole-hog leftover sandwich with stuffing and cranberry sauce, how totally fucking sweet are leftover sandwiches? In my family we always had my mom cook up a second Turkey breast so we had enough, which completely flies in the face of the cost-saving purpose of leftovers. Whatever, it’s awesome. I know when I go back to New York on Sunday, I’ll be taking a freezer bag full of turkey and a Tupperware full of gravy with me.
5. Napping
Of all they holidays, Thanksgiving is the one where napping is most acceptable, nay, encouraged. For those of you who know me personally you know how important a good nap is. Everyone uses the tryptophan excuse, even though we all know it’s total bullshit – we just love napping. Personally I’ve been known to claim tryptophan naps as late as Monday afternoon. The worst is when you’re in a family situation with younger kids who don’t yet appreciate the beauty of the well-executed nap, and insist on “doing something”. I don’t even complain when the football game sucks, it only facilitates better napping.
6. Meeting up with home town friends
For those of you who’ve managed to move farther away from home than a 15-mile radius, one of the big traditions about Thanksgiving is meeting up with all the people you knew in high school that haven’t hung out with since last Thanksgiving. This always seems like a good idea at first, but then you realize that for the vast majority of those people, there are a myriad of perfectly good reasons why you haven’t staid in touch. Then it rapidly devolves into just spotting random people you haven’t thought about in 6 years and trying to suppress the urge to point. One friend coined a term for this, “going to the zoo”. You pay your $10 cover at the bar, then spend the whole time pointing at stuff. The next day, people ask you how it was, and you say “It was really cool, I saw a James Yardley!”
7. The beginning of the holiday season
This is kind of cool, but kind of a pain in the ass. I mean, who doesn’t like Chrismakkah, but at the same time, who can fucking stand the lines and crowds (speaking mostly to those of us who live in New York here.
8. Brussels Sprouts
This is the kind of thing where at first you’re like, that sounds like it sucks real bad. Then your mom says, “No wait, it’s cooked in bacon and syrup – it’s delicious”, and you’re intrigued. The best parts of breakfast? In vegetable form you say? Then you try it and realize that the flavor of the Brussels sprout (which is what I imagine piss tastes like) has completely ruined the delicious bacon and syrup flavor, which somehow makes it worse than if you’d just had the thing raw. If you haven’t experienced this, trust me. The next time you “accidentally” drop your bacon in your syrup before eating it, the memory of the taste of piss will irresistibly flood your mouth and completely ruin your food orgasm.
9. Travel
If you don’t like getting trapped next to sweaty masses of meat, this isn’t the day to be taking public transport. Personally I’ll be fighting with SEPTA this evening and am none to pleased about it. Delays are expected, crowds are thick, and customer service representatives are pissed off to be working on Thanksgiving. You’re basically fucked.
10. Black Friday
God help you if you have to be on the road within 50 miles of a mall or shopping center on the day after Thanksgiving. Why people feel that this is the one day they have to get all their shopping done is completely beyond me. Oh sure, there are great sales. Ever hear of the internet, asshole? Plus for the week before and the week after all you hear on the news are Black Friday retail sales figures. Christ this gets old fast.
11. Passive-aggressive behavior and/or parental guilt trips
You know the story, “Oh, no – it’s completely fine with me if you want to spend Thanksgiving with her family. We’ll just have a nice, quiet dinner by ourselves. Don’t worry about it.” Jebus does this ever suck. Not sure how many of you have older married siblings, but somehow every year I end up getting yelled at because my brothers aren’t there.
12. Thanksgiving Day Parade
Is there anything more useless than the Thanksgiving Day Parade? Honestly the only thing positive that I have to say about it is that I’m never in town to be inconvenienced. Oh, here’s a fun way to spend my Thanksgiving morning, I’ll stand in the street, completely stationary and wedged between the masses of humanity next to me, and watch assholes carry around giant balloons of cartoon characters that came about either before of after my childhood. That sounds just super. Then there are those fucking lip-synching asshole high school kids who pretend to sing while they dance like they’re on a fucking cruise ship. Is there anything more obnoxious than this? Even if drinking were encouraged, I don’t think it would make it any better. Even the ever-comforting alcohol-induced fog would be instantly pierced by the shocking levels of douchebaggery, leaving only the urge to urinate in public.
In an attempt to lighten your Friday the 13th we’ve compiled some of the best feel good music videos on the web (and some darker ones). We dare you to watch these without cracking a smile!
On this date October 28, 1970 Gary Gabelich set a land speed record in a rocket-powered automobile called the Blue Flame, fueled with natural gas.
If you haven’t seen Mad Men let me summarize for you: Guy goes to work, guy gets drunk, guy looks good, guy gets laid, repeat. AMC has made it clear that Don Draper was ‘the Man’ of his time. He calls the shots, people listen when he speaks and the sweet sweet ladies lay down when he tells them to. So this got me thinking ‘where does the mojo come from?’ Just what would it take to recreate a modern-day Donald Draper? Obviously there’s no substitute for the original, but here’s a few things you’ll need to pick up once you’ve made partner at the firm. Read the rest of this entry »
These got us thinking….are the Japanese laughing at Anime dubbed over in English???
Denver the last Dinosaur (Polish)
